Can I start this off by saying THANKYOU to everyone who’s been supporting me through this entire strange, uncharted Detoxification process? Guys, thanks a million billion. I’ve been so inspired to hear your stories and read your emails, you’ve kept me going when I’ve felt like this is too hard to finish. So, THANKYOU. I love you all.
That being said, the issues I’ve been diving into get more and more complicated and thorny the further into this I go. The Detox topic of the day is trust and boundaries, and it was a doozy because I didn’t even realise it existed, let alone that it was a problem. Upon closer inspection, though, it’s something that’s been getting in my way for years and I just haven’t been able to name it. So here we go.
Man has begin to spin the strands that bind him to other men and to the world.
But what wretched strands! –Antoine de Saint-Exupery
…
I’m not someone with a lot of boundaries. Or any, really. I will tell anyone anything as soon as they ask, and sometimes I might not even wait for them to ask. My closest friendships are completely sans-boundaries; an ex of mine joked that dating me was actually dating me AND Lindsay AND Charlotte AND…well, you see what I’m saying. The point is, when it comes to making friends, I don’t put up partitions; if you’re in my life at all, you’re in it completely and you accept that I am in your life in the same way. Because the high degree of trust is mutual, this is a very beneficial arrangement for my friends and I.
But it’s not always good, and it’s because of my problem with empathy. Though I understand it in theory, I cannot comprehend that other people might think and feel differently than I do. Because I don’t have ulterior motives, I can’t imagine that others might. It doesn’t even cross my mind to wonder about it. People have to really distinguish themselves as assholes for me to dislike them, and generally I like to be at least friendly with everyone I meet. To me, friendship implies a very high degree of trust and intimacy and again, it’s hard for me to imagine somebody feeling differently about it. It’s also impossible for me to imagine taking advantage of someone’s trust and goodwill, especially someone you call a friend, because it’s something that I couldn’t do.
These are the sad facts which I’ve had to confront, and trust me, it’s hurt to confront them. But I’ve realised that while my established relationships don’t need boundaries imposed upon them–that would be awkward–my developing relationships do. I cannot trust people the second that I meet them, because others may have motives that I cannot see or guess at right away. People need to earn my trust and the right to be close to me, it cannot just be a given.
With boys, it’s safest to assume that they’re just out to sleep with you. Be nice and get to know them, but know that hetero guys seldom want to be “just friends.” And if they do, awesome! I have amazing male friends who aren’t interested in my squishier bits. With hetero girls you’re on safer ground, but they too may have different ulterior motives. It’s hard to know who is going to be worth it, so make people work to be in your life.
So in keeping with all of this, I’ve written up a little list of Ways To Impose Boundaries On New Relationships:
- No sex or physicality.
- No immediate trust.
- Don’t tell everybody everything. Keep some things private and safe, not just the things that hurt.
- Don’t expect people to love you the way you want to be loved.
- Some things take time. Be patient.
- Do not give anything (trust, love, confidences) unless you get something of equal value in return.
- Always keep a safe distance. Retreat to it frequently.
- If someone shows you the person that they are, i.e.: catty or untrustworthy, BELIEVE THEM.
Hopefully these will help, but I’m curious: Do you have boundaries? Boundary problems? How do you deal with them?
Loves you!
